Arthurian myths. What fun. Easily-offended knights, loose ladies, and bizarre situations. Lovely.
*ahem*
No, mocking them is not all I am going to do. But there will certainly be a fair share of that, because, why not? As I’ve already quite clearly demonstrated, I don’t care overmuch about your opinions and I enjoy being sarcastic. So then. 😜
Before we begin, I’d like to give a brief sensitivity warning. Decapitated heads, jousting, and battles will be mentioned. If you can’t read about blood and wounds, you may not wish to proceed.
When we discussed Arthurian myths in our literature class, my teacher pointed out the theme of importance of having some ideal, some higher thing to pursue, be it courtly love or honor. That, certainly, is something good for the modern reader to take away, and I thank my literature teacher for pointing this out, because before that, I found the stories only mildly entertaining, and mostly for the mocking value at that. Chivalry is certainly lacking in today’s day and age — and I don’t just mean chivalry as relates to young men’s treatment of women, but in the principle behind it of serving others.
To clarify for you exactly which myths I’m familiar with, I’ve read bits and pieces of Le Morte D’Arthur, about half of The Once and Future King (left off when Lancelot started doing nasty stuff,) and Gawain and the Green Knight has gotten assigned to me for school multiple times. If you haven’t read it, it features a big green dude whose head gets kicked around and a magically-appearing castle with disembodied arms.
True story. Anyway…
…I finally found an online copy of the Mabinogian. So far it’s actually been the cleanest and most enjoyable version to read — no witchcraft or icky Lancelot. You can’t find these tales in bookstores anymore; it’s sad. Some would postulate the romance story originated in these collections of Welsh tales, due to their age, but we can’t know for sure as it all came from oral storytelling. (Romance refering to the quest, discovery of self, and courtly love — not the steamy star-crossed lovers you might have in mind.)
From there the Arthurian tales proceed on to the British/Norman myths, more popular and commonly reworked into children’s stories and Disney-fied retellings. In the French versions of the myths there is often more emphasis on style and courtly culture, due to Norman influence. This is especially evident in Le Morte D’Arthur. Logos Press has a nice version of this with good discussion questions and helpful footnotes. I’m not going to get too deeply into more modern remakes, like Pyle’s versions that take a lot of creative liberties, or The Once and Future King… though maybe I need to point out how utterly ridiculous and yet somehow hilarious the Questing Beast and the dude always chasing after it is. Still… Lancelot is gross, ya’ll. Makes his appearance in Night at the Museum even funnier to know his reputation for having an unpleasant face. Point being, I’m mostly here to mock and give my thoughts on the Arthurian tales of the Mabinogion.
Let’s keep this in mind — oral storytelling. Details go by fast, but they’re important or else they wouldn’t have been remembered and put in there. These stories were passed down by bards/poets, cyfarwyddiaidau, and perhaps the common folk too until they eventually came into the hands of Hywel Fychan ap Hywel Goch, who wrote the Red Book of Hergest and whoever wrote the White Book of Rhydderch — the source manuscripts for the Mabinogion. And while the Welsh myths take more time for scene setting, it isn’t anything like on the scale of a novel today. I understand that, crystal-clear. These stories are of great historical importance and doubtless were full of more meaning and allegory to the people of their day than we can decipher. I will also announce loud and clear that I read these things for fun. I do not study them too deeply. So no wagging your finger in your face and insulting me for making a mockery of things I don’t understand. I am aware that I am only an amateur nerd. For the purpose of humor I interpret these two tales — those of Owain and Peredur — in a modern light.
Now then, on to what you really clicked on this article for: the sarcasm.
“And the portcullis descended to the floor. And the rowels of the spurs and part of the horse were without, and Owain with the other part of the horse remained between the two gates, and the inner gate was closed, so that Owain could not go thence; and Owain was in a perplexing situation.”
No kidding.
“Then he inquired of the maiden who the lady was. “Heaven knows,” replied the maiden, “she may be said to be the fairest, and the most chaste, and the most liberal, and the wisest, and the most noble of women. And she is my mistress; and she is called the Countess of the Fountain, the wife of him whom thou didst slay yesterday.” “Verily,” said Owain, “she is the woman that I love best.” “Verily,” said the maiden, “she shall also love thee not a little.””
Oh yeah, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to meet the chap who just killed her husband. It is, of course, a plot to help secure lands, as he’ll later find out, but still, you’d think Owain would find something strange in that statement.
“And as Owain one day sat at meat, in the city of Caerlleon upon Usk, behold a damsel entered upon a bay horse, with a curling mane and covered with foam, and the bridle and so much as was seen of the saddle were of gold. And the damsel was arrayed in a dress of yellow satin. And she came up to Owain, and took the ring from off his hand. “Thus,” said she, “shall be treated the deceiver, the traitor, the faithless, the disgraced, and the beardless.” And she turned her horse’s head and departed.”
What is it with random damsels waltzing in and delivering prophecy or metaphor? This happens in Peredur’s tale and Gawain and the Green Knight, too, which is quite like The Lady of the Fountain, the first tale about Owain from which these excerpts come. Are Arthur’s guards really that bad? Also what the heck is it with Welsh culture and beards? “Shame on my beard” is literally a Welsh expression, and there’s a giant in Le Morte de Arthur — and similar tales — who collects the beards of his victims. Why beards?
““Truly,” said the maiden, “a widowed Countess owns yonder Castle; at the death of her husband, he left her two Earldoms, but at this day she has but this one dwelling that has not been wrested from her by a young Earl, who is her neighbour, because she refused to become his wife.” “That is pity,” said Owain.”
Yeah, a real shame. Bummer, dude. I want Owain’s proper, poshly-accented voice on my GPS saying ‘That is a pity’ when I miss an exit on the highway or drop something fragile.
And then when he’s camping out one night, somehow Luned — the maiden from earlier — telepathically communicates with him. No biggie.
“While he was doing this, he heard a deep sigh near him, and a second, and a third. And Owain called out to know whether the sigh he heard proceeded from a mortal; and he received answer that it did. “Who art thou?” said Owain. “Truly,” said the voice, “I am Luned, the handmaiden of the Countess of the Fountain.” “And what dost thou here?” said Owain. “I am imprisoned,” said she, “on account of the knight who came from Arthur’s Court, and married the Countess.”
What does Owain do?
“When the collops were cooked, Owain divided them into two parts, between himself and the maiden; and after they had eaten, they talked together, until the day dawned. And the next morning Owain inquired of the damsel, if there was any place where he could get food and entertainment for that night.”
Eats dinner — and somehow shares it with her? We’re not gonna even address the fact that his now-wife’s servant is in peril? Anyway, she tells him of a place and he goes there and learns that a giant is terrorizing the area, and has taken the local Earl’s two sons, holding them for ransom against his daughter.
““Truly,” said Owain, “that is lamentable. And which wilt thou do?” “Heaven knows,” said the Earl, “it will be better that my sons should be slain against my will, than that I should voluntarily give up my daughter to him to ill-treat and destroy.” Then they talked about other things, and Owain stayed there that night.”
That’s what I’m gonna say next time someone rants to me. ‘Truly, that is lamentable.’ Say it in a nice, deep, solemn tone, too.
I’m only selecting bits and pieces that I want to mock, by the way. I’m not going to take the time to tell the entire story, but it’s here if you wish to read it.
Now on to the next story and some solid motherly advice to Peredur as he leaves his very sheltered life and goes off to Arthur’s court…
“If thou see a fair jewel, possess thyself of it, and give it to another, for thus thou shalt obtain praise.”
Did she maybe speak with Bilbo before he went in after the Arkenstone?Meanwhile, a bloke with anger issues causes trouble in Arthur’s court. (Seriously, why does Arthur never stand up for Guinevere himself?)
“And the page of the chamber was serving Gwenhwyvar with a golden goblet. Then the knight dashed the liquor that was therein upon her face, and upon her stomacher, and gave her a violent blow on the face, and said, “If any have the boldness to dispute this goblet with me, and to revenge the insult to Gwenhwyvar, let him follow me to the meadow, and there I will await him.”
Why doesn’t Arthur just call a posse of guards in and throw the guy in the dungeon?
“Tell me, tall man,” said Peredur, “is that Arthur yonder?”
“Tall man,” said Peredur, “shew me which is Arthur.”
“I will do so, tall man,” said Peredur.
Way to go, Peredur. You’re definitely gonna get into the court by irritating Kai and the other knights. Anyone else feel like this kid could get along real well with Lift, or Troll from The Hero’s Guide?
“By my faith,” said he, “thou art all too meanly equipped with horse and with arms.” Thereupon he was perceived by all the household, and they threw sticks at him.
Real mature. ‘Hey guys, he doesn’t have any armor! Let’s throw sticks at him!’
Anyway, Peredur goes out to fight the liquor-splashing knight.
And thereupon he struck him with a sharp-pointed fork, and it hit him in the eye, and came out at the back of his neck, so that he instantly fell down lifeless.
How??? I once researched whether or not it’s true that you can kill someone with an arrow through the eye — I’m probably already on an FBI watchlist and this is nowhere near the worst thing I’ve searched — and it’s not that easy. And in this particular situation, with this direction, there’s a good deal of bone in there, and Peredur would certainly be coming at this tall, horsed knight at a very odd angle… HOW WOULD THAT WORK and I sincerely hope they don’t mean an actual dinner fork. (of course they don’t, I’m kidding)
Well, Owain goes to check on him after his little bout with the wine-splasher and the fork…
So Owain went to the meadow, and he found Peredur dragging the man about. “What art thou doing thus?” said Owain. “This iron coat,” said Peredur, “will never come from off him; not by my efforts, at any rate.”
You can just imagine Owain sighing and rolling his eyes as he shows the hillbilly kid how to unfasten armor.
And Peredur rode forward. And within that week he encountered sixteen knights, and overthrew them all shamefully.
Impressive, for a kid who was literally raised away from anything and everything related to knights or war, since the entire rest of his family minus his overprotective mom died from such pursuits. Also, talk about a busy week. That’s two or more knights a day, on average! Where are all these guys coming from?
And when the clamour had a little subsided, behold two maidens entered, with a large salver between them, in which was a man’s head, surrounded by a profusion of blood.
More heads! Also quite like Gawain. Remember this bit from The Green Knight?
The fair head fell from the neck to the earth, and many turned it aside with their feet as it rolled forth.
Courtiers kicking the head around like a soccer ball? Can you imagine? (Your mental voice as you read these should approximate those of a pack of middle grade girls at a camp when there’s a mouse in the cabin.)”Eew, yuck, get it away from me!” “Don’t kick it at me!” “Groooosss!”
Anyway, now on from blood and guts to crying girls… Peredur really handles this well.
“Cease, therefore, thy lamenting, for it is of no avail, and I will bury the body, and then I will go in quest of the knight, and see if I can do vengeance upon him.”
Yeah, that’s what she wants. She wants to be told to stop crying and have the only other guy out with her in the middle of the woods strike off and leave her.
Well, he finds the knight, and what does he tell him?
“Mercy shalt thou have,” said he, “upon these terms, that thou take this woman in marriage, and do her all the honour and reverence in thy power, seeing thou hast, without cause, slain her wedded husband;”
Yeah, yeah, that’ll go well. I understand how those times worked, of course — you know my stance, I’m well aware the gal needed protection and a man to support her, but still… could anyone see that relationship going well?
and on her cheeks were two red spots, redder than whatever is reddest.
Me when I can’t finish an analogy…
and he arose and sallied forth to the meadow.
‘Sallied.’ I love that word. 😁
And in the morning he arose, and when he went forth, behold a shower of snow had fallen the night before, and a hawk had killed a wild fowl in front of the cell. And the noise of the horse scared the hawk away, and a raven alighted upon the bird. And Peredur stood, and compared the blackness of the raven and the whiteness of the snow, and the redness of the blood, to the hair of the lady that best he loved, which was blacker than jet, and to her skin which was whiter than the snow, and to the two red spots upon her cheeks, which were redder than the blood upon the snow appeared to be.
How romantic. What every girl wants her lover to be doing — comparing macabre things like death and blood to her face.
And then came Kai, and spoke to Peredur rudely and angrily; and Peredur took him with his lance under the jaw, and cast him from him with a thrust, so that he broke his arm and his shoulder-blade, and he rode over him one-and-twenty times.
Jeez. Don’t mess with Peredur while he’s thinking about his girl, apparently.
And the grey man said, “Disgrace to the beard of my porter.”
Can someone please explain this insult to me?
And before the men returned from their errand, a knight came to the meadow beside Arthur’s Palace, to dare some one to the encounter. And his challenge was accepted; and Peredur fought with him, and overthrew him. And for a week he overthrew one knight every day.
WHERE are these guys coming from???? Also, Peredur just got a lance in the thigh, by the way… I’m impressed he managed to do this right after.
This theme of strange women riding animals into court then continues with a very ugly old hag and her mule. It seems to have been a prevailing trope in the time. Does anyone have thoughts on what the varied appearances of these women might have to do with the theme, or why they are women instead of your typical male messengers? Then more mysterious knights show up and challenge members of Arthur’s court to duels in a very Three Musketeers way. This is also a reoccuring theme. I wonder, was it simply for the sake of an ‘oh no, he might get killed’ moment, was it symbolism, or was this truly the state of things back then?
And Gwalchmai defended the door with a chessboard, that none might enter until the man should return from the chase.
I envision this to be something like out of a Jackie Chan movie — strangely random object becomes deadly weapon. It is again details like this that make the story so interesting.
And then there’s another chessboard that comes alive. Obviously it probably wasn’t chess in the original oral stories, and I doubt the Catholic church was so prevalent in the tale either. But still… interesting. Anyway, after some more questing, Arthur finally doubles down on this pack of sorceresses hanging out in Gloucester and killing Peredur’s relatives.
And they began to fight with them; and one of the sorceresses slew one of Arthur’s men before Peredur’s face, and Peredur bade her forbear. And the sorceress slew a man before Peredur’s face a second time, and a second time he forbad her. And the third time the sorceress slew a man before the face of Peredur; and then Peredur drew his sword, and smote the sorceress on the helmet; and all her head-armour was split in two parts.
Peredur: “Hey, uh, would you stop killing my men?”
Sorceress: “This is the guy who battled like eighteen dudes in one week?”
Alright, folks, that’s all for now. I’ll just stick to those two tales — there are many, many more, but it would turn into a massive post. Let me know if there’s any other humorous tales I should check out, and if you happen to know what’s behind this whole business with the beards.
On a brief note of non-sarcasm, For King and Country’s movie Unsung Hero hits theaters this week. I saw it, and let me tell you, that was the cleanest, most family-friendly movie I’ve seen in a loooong time. It’s cool to learn about the band’s backstory, and while it’s sad, it’s a story of overcoming sprinkled with humor and touching family moments. I highly recommend.
In conclusion, treat yourself to this, dear readers. I may have been slightly inspired. I Read King Arthur so You Don’t Have To — The Sarcastic Elf Adios!
Princess Bride Meme by Gifer
ShineLikeLights.com 
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